


Why do you hate me so much? Version 3

by ReignMyWorld



Series: Why do you hate me so much? [3]
Category: Professional Wrestling, Roman Reigns - Fandom, WWE, World Wrestling Entertainment
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, College AU, F/M, Fluff, Roman Reigns Fluff, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, fluffy happy end, roman reigns angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-16
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-11-18 18:25:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18124859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReignMyWorld/pseuds/ReignMyWorld
Summary: You and Roman are at the same college. You don’t really have an easy time opening up to people but you nevertheless thought that you had found a friend in Roman, only to learn otherwise as you overhear him telling his friends that he’s the opinion of having fulfilled his dare of becoming friends with you to it fullest. Your world is crashing down as you had really thought that you could trust him.





	Why do you hate me so much? Version 3

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: angst, self-harm, college AU, suicide attempt, fluffy happy end
> 
> Pairing: Roman Reigns x Reader
> 
> Note 1: Originally I have written that story as completely angsty. However, I have received the following requests and thought “Sure why not? I can’t stand that cold- hearted Roman anyways” :D. So those were the requests, I hope you like it, even if it took some time =) 
> 
> “Could you make a different ending where he gets to her in time and it just be mega fluff?” 
> 
> “For why do you hate me so much, what about another ending where the Reader is taken to the hospital in time and it has the same effect on roman and the reader’s best friend. maybe Roman actually feels something for the reader but is afraid of what his friends think and he defends her when they say something about her trying to end her life? Roman tries to make things up to her?“
> 
> Originally published here: https://reignmyworld.tumblr.com/post/175679519331/why-do-you-hate-me-so-much-version-3-roman

College was never a place that you felt absolutely comfortable at. If you were honest that was something that had accompanied you ever since elementary school. It was not that you were a character people couldn’t like but you somehow always had a hard time trusting people around you. It might have been that way because your family was not really a safe place, somewhere you could feel protected. Your mum loved you, you knew she did but since your father had left when you were still a baby, she had to work up to two or three jobs in order to pay the rent and bring you and herself through life. Most of the time you therefore were on your own, sticking rather to yourself than searching the company of other people. Of course you had some friends in kindergarten and you also had a few close people in elementary school as well as junior and senior high, that you considered your friends, but truth was that you were never one of those popular kids. You were rather introverted and while others would just chat random people up like it was nothing, you just couldn’t do it. Something just stopped you from doing so, kind of held you back, resulting in you being one of those kids, that had to deal with bullies from time to time.

As years went by you somehow got used to it to just call a handful of people your friends and not to be invited to a lot of parties. You didn’t even really miss that since you were not a huge fan of people gathering together but from time to time you found yourself wondering how it would be like to be a part of the more popular ones, those people that had a huge circle of friends, that were invited to every party taking place and those that were admired by other ones. It’s not like you would have experienced something like that ever, but that didn’t mean that you couldn’t wonder. You nevertheless made it through junior and senior high quite alike and your good grades helped you to receive a scholarship for the college you always wanted to go to. What made you even happier than the scholarship itself was the pride on your mother’s face when you told her. Besides that, you were beyond happy that you could finance it on your own and wouldn’t rely on your mother’s money.  
Although your first few weeks at college had been rather bumpy, it nevertheless got easier. Your lectures were everything you had expected, contrary to your initial fear your roommate had become a pretty close friend and you had the feeling that people here were all in all more mature. You hadn’t been exactly picked on during high school - or at least you tried to tell you that the bullying was not that bad - but with you being more introverted and less loud than other people around you, you heard a few dumb words here and there, but nothing that would have hurt you deep within. You just didn’t fit in plain and simple. Actually it was more than that, but it was always easier for you to pretend that it didn’t hurt you than to admit that it cut you like a knife on the inside.

Your first few months at college had been rather quiet. You considered your roommate the closest friend you had and although you had been chatting with a few of the quieter people here and there you only considered 2 or 3 of them your friends. But that was nothing you actually minded. You had gotten used to being alone mainly from an early age on and you rather preferred not being part of a group than to give in to the peer pressure they would certainly put on you so you would act more to their standards and liking than to your own. And although it could have been hard from time to time, you didn’t break as you had no idea what you were missing out on. This, however, had changed a few weeks ago when your best friend convinced you to go to one of those college parties with her. Contrary to you she was rather popular, not exactly top cheerleader popular but at least she had a rather large circle of friends, she hung out with.

She had always tried to introduce you but you avoided any occasion by telling her different excuses. However, with regard to that one party, you couldn’t really slip through. It was one of those bigger ones, where basically the majority of the college would be there and your friend had a rather good reason to convince you. “No seriously Y/N you really have to go there.”, she said as she was sitting in front of her make up mirror, brushing her hair. You crooked an eyebrow at her, wanting to know: “Why should it make any difference? I haven’t been to any of the other parties. Why should I go to this one?” Y/F/N looked at you as if you had just asked whether breathing was necessary in order to live. She stared at you for a few moments before she wanted to know: “You really don’t know why it is that important, do you?” You shrugged your shoulders, replying: “Not one bit if I’m honest.” She turned around fully to you before she came over, sitting down next to you on the bed as she explained: “Y/N, I know that you are not into this whole party thing and I know that you don’t really care whether people like you or not.” You flinched slightly as this was not the whole truth but you didn’t want to enlighten her. Instead you waited until she would continue explaining and it didn’t take long until she added: “This party is like the biggest thing college has to over. Everyone is invited, everyone is supposed to be there since it is organized by this year’s alumni. Not going there would be social suicide. I have no idea how people treated you throughout your high school time. But no matter how mature everyone around here should be, you can be sure that they will make your life a living hell if you don’t go there. You don’t have to stay for long but just go there for a limited amount of time. We can hang out and when you feel like going, we can leave.”

You thought about it for a moment. Of course you were not keen on going there but you didn’t want to be treated like a lazar just because you didn’t feel like going. Somehow you would make it you told yourself. And if it was just for a few minutes to be seen there so you would avoid people picking on you afterwards, calling you a freak once again like it had happened back in junior and senior high. So you nodded your head, saying: “Okay I’m coming.” Y/F/N smiled at you as she said: “Perfect and who knows? Maybe you get to know some nice people there. I mean not everyone is a complete jerk here at college.”

The next weekend came faster than you expected it to and the party was basically the only thing everyone was talking about. You were beyond nervous because crowded places like that simply were not your thing but you tried your best to make it. You looked in the mirror and decided that you looked good. Of course you knew that you were not what people described as classic beauty like young Elizabeth Taylor but you were good looking nevertheless. But since you didn’t feel like you would fit in anywhere people often didn’t pay attention to any aspect of you. As you heard your friend ask: “Y/N, are you ready to go?”, you took one deep breath and joined her. It didn’t take long until you reached the party and you immediately felt out of place like you had done so often during your high school times. It didn’t take you long to figure out that all of the popular college kids were there, be it freshman or sophomore. Most of the people that were already there were trapped in conversations with their group of friends. Of course you were there with your best friend but that didn’t mean that you didn’t feel completely alone and uncomfortable on the inside although you tried to send out at least some confidence, that you were not really feeling. Y/F/N took your hand and dragged you into the crowd, introducing you to a whole bunch of people that you really didn’t feel like getting to know but you nevertheless exchanged a few words with them in order to prevent that you seemed to be impolite. You could see that the other people there kept eyeing you, probably marking you as “not one of us” in their head. You hoped that the minutes would pass, so you could excuse yourself in order to go home.  
As you were passing a bunch of football players, that was in the middle of a conversation, Y/F/N didn’t bother to stop but she just greeted them as she passed them. When you were passing a rather huge guy with pitch black hair and dark brown eyes, she winked at him, saying: “Hey Roman” with him replying: “Hey sweetheart, you wanna join us?” She giggled as she answered: “Maybe later. I’m busy right now.”

“Yeah you want to introduce your little friend to me?”, he wanted to know, a sly smirk on his face as she once again answered: “Maybe later.” With that she guided you to the other side of the room, further away from the group. As you were not in hearing reach anymore she said: “That was Roman Reigns.” You shrugged your shoulders as you answered: “Yeah I know who he is. One of those football players everyone wants to be friends with.” She nodded her head, saying: “Yeah basically. If you want me to I can introduce you to his group of friends but I thought..” You interrupted her as you said: “That I’m anything else but worthy?” You saw how she slightly blushed and although it kind of hurt you, you nevertheless managed to smile as you answered: “Don’t worry Y/F/N. I’m not exactly keen on making his or his friends’ acquaintance anyway. I’m quite aware that people like him treat people like me like they are shit and worth less than the dirt under their fingernails.” Y/F/N shook her head as she tried to convince you: “No Y/N I’m sure he is not like that.” You shrugged your shoulders as you mumbled: “Any good looking guy that knows that girls queue in order to be with him is like that.”

As you saw her puzzled look you said: “Don’t worry Y/F/N. It’s all good. If you want to go in order to talk to him, do so. I’m walking around on my own for a couple more minutes until it’s socially accepted that I leave, having done my deed here.” She gave you a strange look and you could tell that she was torn between leaving you and between sticking with you. But since you had assured her several more times that it would be okay, she told you that she would see you back in your room before she vanished into the crowd, leaving you where you were. You took a deep breath as you headed for the table where some drinks were waiting. While going over there you were quite aware that Roman and his group of friends were pointing into your direction before they started discussing something but you tried to file it under you just being your paranoid self and that they definitely had better things to do than talk about you. As you reached the table you grabbed your favorite drink before you headed for the door in order to go for a blow since you couldn’t stand the bulk in there, so many people in one place making you extremely uncomfortable. You saw a vacant bank and decided to sit down there for a bit, enjoying the fresh air the night had to offer.

After a couple of minutes you got up and headed for the exit, absolutely determined that you had spent more than enough time here and that it was absolutely acceptable now if you returned to your room. “Don’t tell me that you already want to leave.”, you heard a deep voice and you knew that it sounded familiar. As you turned your head, you saw Roman standing there, one of his eyebrows crooked as he was waiting for your answer. “Looks like it”, you mumbled, feeling anything else but comfortable in his presence. He was good looking and he probably knew it. Guys like him always meant trouble, not that you had your fair share with them. At least not the way most people wished they had. You knew guys like him, guys that were popular and even increased their popularity by making fun of people like you. And you were not willing to let something like that happen again. “Don’t tell me that you are afraid of me”, he smirked as he was coming nearer, making you instantly take a step back as you answered: “Not afraid, just not too keen of dealing with you.” You could see the amused look on his face as he was stopping right in front of you, saying: “Don’t worry I’m not a big bad wolf about to bite. I just wanted to introduce myself.” You gave him a skeptical look as you wanted to know: “Why would someone like you feel the need to introduce yourself to someone like me?”

He looked honestly surprised as he questioned: “Why not? You seem like a pretty nice person, you’re good looking. Why shouldn’t I be interested in making your acquaintance?” You tried to figure out whether he was just playing with you and if so what kind of mind games he was playing. He didn’t seem to be anything but sincere but you didn’t really trust him. Roman however reached out his hand to you, a big smile on his face and said: “I’m Roman.” You knew that it was absolutely impolite to not react, so you grabbed his hand, shook it and mumbled: “Y/N” He didn’t let go of your hand for what felt like an eternity before he released it eventually, asking once again: “So you really want to leave already?” You shrugged your shoulders as you replied: “Yeah, I’m not really a fan of big crowds. Besides that, I’m suffering from a headache, so heading back home seems to be the best option.”

“Do you mind if I walk with you?”, he wanted to know and everything inside you screamed that you should find a good excuse. But he seemed to be really friendly and polite, giving you the feeling that maybe he was not like you expected him to be, that maybe he really wanted to get to know you for whatever reasons. And you thought that maybe in college you should meet new people with less skepticism and be more open minded, granting them that not everyone’s intentions were completely bad. You eventually agreed and while walking with him, you had to admit that he was a pretty nice guy that seemed to be not only sincere but also knew how to push your buttons so you would open up a little bit more, letting your guards down that you had kept up throughout the last years.

When your friend came home later that night you immediately told her about your encounter with Roman and you noticed the strange expression on her face before it vanished. As you had asked her what was wrong she just shook her head as she said that she wouldn’t have him expected to talk you up but she nevertheless was happy because him wanting to get to know you could help you to get to know some people around here, could help you to have another presence than the one you had in high school. You didn’t really know whether you wanted that or not but if you were honest to yourself it wouldn’t sound too bad for a change.

Several weeks had passed since that party and you and Roman had become friends in the meantime. He introduced you to his circle of friends, that primarily existed of other football players, a bunch of cheerleaders and a lot of other popular people quite alike and although you could feel that something was off, you tried to push that thought aside, trying to enjoy the new feeling you were experiencing instead. At first you didn’t dare to trust him but the more time you had spent with him the more that bad gut feeling vanished. You two would head to the movies or to the diner in order to eat something there. You would talk about almost anything, the only thing you didn’t tell him about was how people treated you in the past. You were laughing a lot and you really felt like you could trust him. You were even watching him practice football from time to time or would go to some of his games although that was so absolutely not your kind of thing. But he had told you that it meant something to him, so you jumped over your own shadow. And although being part of his circle of friends still felt strange, you at least had the feeling of being accepted since it had been Roman who had brought you in. The more time you spent with them, the more of the impression you got that he was something like their leader and if they would say something harsh directed towards you, he would just glare at them and they would apologize right away. That little bad gut feeling was still there, but you couldn’t deny that you were so happy about finally being in a group of friends that you tried to ignore it the best you could.

It was one of those days where Roman had practice way after the sun had set already but he he made you promise him that you would wait for him until he came out of the locker room. As you were waiting, the majority of his team colleagues had already left and just as you thought that he had forgotten that you were still waiting there, you saw him come out of the locker room with his best friend. They were laughing and joking and although you couldn’t understand what they were talking about, you nevertheless could tell that both of them were highly amused as they were high-fiving each other. As Roman saw you sitting on the bleachers he said something to his best friend, making him nod in agreement before he headed for the parking lot, waving towards you and yelling: “Bye Y/N” before he vanished just as you returned his farewell. Roman was heading towards you, a big smile on his face as he said: “Thank you for waiting for me Y/N”

“Anytime”, you smiled at him before he sat down next to you, his thigh rubbing against yours while doing so. You had to stop yourself from shifting away due to the sudden touch but as you were quite sure that your bodies touched unintentionally, you just tried to shrug it off. With an amused look he wanted to know: “So have you discovered your love and passion for football by now?” You had to laugh out loud as you were shaking your head, grinning: “No and that will probably never happen. But I like the fact that people can be so passionate about a sport like that.”

“For some of us football is life.”, he chuckled, making you nod in agreement. “Yeah I can understand that.” You sat in silence for a couple of minutes just staring up in the night sky where stars surely were sparkling although you couldn’t see them due to all the flood lights lightning up the football field. As you turned your attention away from it, you noticed that Roman was staring at you, making you shift uncomfortably under his gaze. “Is something wrong with my face?”, you wanted to know, trying to ease the tension. “Has anyone ever told you that you are beautiful?”, he whispered as he was reaching out to your face, gently tracing his fingertips over your lips. You were shocked, not only by his words but also by his touch and if you were honest, you had no idea how you should react. You hated to admit it but you enjoyed his touch as well as his presence, more than you would have guessed. It was new for you to let someone come near you, opening up and trusting them. You waited for his next move, watched him leaning in before his lips met yours, gently kissing you while you returned his gentle touch. You had no idea why but right here with him in that moment you felt safe. You didn’t know how long you sat there while he gently kissed you, his tongue exploring your mouth.

As you broke apart you breathed heavily just like he did and with a last “I should probably bring you home” you headed for his car, only to lie in your bed sound and safe minutes later. You couldn’t do anything about that happy smile on your face as you dared to think that maybe college wasn’t so bad after all, maybe you would finally find the love you had dreamt off for so long. But by the next day you already had to realize that it was all just wishful thinking as reality hit you with full force.

You were on your way back from your last lecture before lunch break. Since you challenged yourself to be more outgoing and to spend more time with the people whose circle you had stumbled into, you grabbed something to eat in the cafeteria and headed for Roman’s and his friends’ usual table. There was quite some noise and you once again knew why you actually hated eating there but after anything that had happened throughout the last weeks, you realized that you would have to change part of your usual behavior if you wanted to belong somewhere. And you had the silly hope that Roman was indeed the person you could belong to. Those hopes were about to be crushed however in just a few seconds, turning your world upside down.

As you were drawing nearer you saw a beautiful girl sitting on his lap that was pulling a disgusted face as you heard her say loud and clear: “Eeeeeeew my god I can’t believe that you kissed that freak and then dared to kiss me afterwards.” You heard Roman’s deep chuckle as he answered: “Don’t worry babe it’s not like I enjoyed it. And I can assure you that I’ve washed my mouth with soap as soon as I’ve arrived home. You should have been there, it was absolutely sad. She had no idea what she was doing. And can you believe that she really bought the „you are beautiful“ crap?” His friends were laughing out loud as he was obviously sharing the actions of last night with them. Before he continued he french kissed the girl on his lap before he grunted: “Just like I like it.” as soon as they had broke apart. One of his team mates laughed out loud as he said: “I really can’t believe that it was so easy. I mean when she came here she seemed to be such a hard case and when we gave you that dare of being friends with her, we really thought that you would fail right away. I mean who in their right mind would even waste their precious time with a freak like Y/N.” Roman laughed out loud as he answered: “Hey man, a challenge is a challenge. She’s eating out of my hand. If I asked her to suck me off, she would probably drop to her knees right away since she’s so desperate to belong somewhere. I still can’t believe that it was so easy to wrap her around my finger that day of the party. When you guys dared me to become friends with her just a couple of days before I really thought that I would have to waste the majority of the year but the nut job is so desperate to not be alone that it’s actually quite sad.”

Another one of his team mates wanted to know: “How about we increase the task at hand? I will pay you good money if you manage to fuck her by the end of the semester.” The girl on his lap sent his teammate a deathly glare while Roman wanted to know kind of bored, his face nevertheless showing a certain degree of disgust: “Why the hell would I want to fuck her if I can have that sexy piece of meat on my lap every time I ask for it?” His friend chuckled as he answered: “Hey it was you that said a challenge is a challenge and you’re always up for one."You had no idea what you were feeling in that moment as you turned completely numb, your whole world shattering around you. You always knew how cruel people could be, you had experienced it several times back at high school but this right here had reached a new level of cruelty. You had thought that you could trust him, you let him in, opened up, thought that he would be different, only to learn that he was exactly what you always thought, always feared. You felt as if someone had skinned you alive, every piece of pain, hurt, sadness and agony washing over you. You hadn’t even realized that you had drawn their attention to you as you had let your dish tray fallen, food as well as pieces of glass and porcelain flying everywhere. You could not even see their faces at first as tears clouded your sight. Their voices were distant, nothing around you mattered anymore. You had never been betrayed like that, never been hurt like that and the worst thing of all was, that you blamed yourself for it. Blamed yourself for having trusted him, blamed yourself for trying to change, blamed yourself for having that irrational thought and dream of belonging somewhere.

From a distance you heard your own sobs as you dropped to your knees in order to clean up the mess you had caused. As your vision grew clearer and noises reached your ear again, you heard their sadistic laughs, saw their amused faces. No one of them, not one seemed to be able to feel something like compassion for you. As you glanced in Roman’s face he gave you a sly smirk, his deep voice asking: "What? Have you really thought that someone like me would be willingly friends with a nut job like you? If it wasn’t that funny it would be extremely sad.” With that him as well as his group of friends got up and made their way past you, one of his team mates stomping into your food, sending parts of it right into your face. No one in the cafeteria dared to get up and help you, mostly because they knew that doing so would make them a loser quite alike. You had no idea how long you had been sitting there, crying over anything that had happened while you were gathering your mess together, before you felt a gentle hand on your shoulder.  
As you turned your head you saw your roommate kneeling next to you, her face full of compassion as she helped you clean up the chaos before she brought you back to your room. You hadn’t known how much you had needed her, but her just sitting there with you, holding you close, was enough you could have asked for in that moment. You should have believed her from the very beginning, should have stayed away from him although she had told you to do so for different reasons. You would have never guessed that your life could have changed so much in such a short amount of time, from one moment to the next.

It didn’t matter where you went to the next days, be it lectures or lunch break, the library or just over the campus itself, you always felt as if all eyes were set on you. And even worse, you had the feeling as if you were watching yourself from the outside. It didn’t feel like it was you anymore but some random stranger that had lost herself. No matter how hard you tried it, you couldn’t avoid crossing paths with Roman and whenever you saw him, there was nothing left from the sweet guy you thought you had spent so many beautiful times with and you had considered your friend. Now that he didn’t have to fulfill his dare anymore he always had a nasty comment on his lips whenever he saw you, calling you names, letting you feel how small and unimportant you were contrary to the people he was surrounding himself with. You had no words to describe how much it had pained you to fall for that beautiful lie he made you believe. You had no idea what you had done to him that he obviously hated you so much, wanting to hurt you in all ways possible.

But just as you thought that it couldn’t get worse you were passing the hallway some day as you realized that the noises around you increased. When you were passing a bunch of people that you didn’t even now, you suddenly heard one of them say: “Can you believe it? I mean after how she had humiliated herself in the cafeteria, she obviously really went to Roman soon after begging him to take her back. And you have to imagine how big of a heart he must have as he tried to ease her pain by spending the night with her. Can you even think of how much of a sacrifice it must be for a guy like him to sleep with a desperate human being like her?” You could not believe your ears as you suddenly stopped in your tracks. You didn’t even know why you tried to explain yourself as you almost silently breathed: “That’s not true, nothing like that had happened.” But they just shot you some pitiful looks as they continued to spread the gossip about you. You felt tears streaming down your face as you tried to get away, tried to escape from that all.

As you were heading for the door you crashed right into Roman, losing your balance and falling to the floor. He leaned down and for a brief second you thought that he would help you but then you realized that he was watching you with that sly smirk of his, that you hated so much. You couldn’t control the sobbing as you wanted to know: “Why do you do this to me? All of this? I thought you were my friend. How can you hate me so much?” He didn’t care about humiliating you even more as he stroked a strain of hair behind your ear, giving you a sadistic laugh as he mumbled: “Oh don’t worry Y/N, I don’t hate you. For me it’s just fun seeing people like you suffer. You are so weak, it’s disgusting.” With that he got up, leaving you where you were, no-one else paying attention to you as you were crying out your despair in the middle of the hallway.

When you returned to your room that night you grabbed a scissor, cutting deep into your arm again and again until blood was dripping down on the floor and you felt the physical pain overshadowing the emotional one. You had resisted for a long time to hurt yourself. For so long actually that you almost forgot how good it felt when you could let go of the emotional pain. When your roommate found you later that night, she held you in her arms, crying with you over everything that had happened, promising you that she would help you make it through and that she would be by your side until everything that had happened would be pushed in the back of the heads of the other students while it still would accompany you for the rest of your life, having taught you one thing; you would never make the mistake of trusting someone again and of opening up to other people. You would rather stick to yourself for the rest of your life, all alone, not letting anyone else in. And all because a bunch of arrogant football players thought it would be fun to mentally and emotionally destroy you.

At least that was what you had tried to do. You tried to be strong, you tried to somehow make it, but the truth was, that you felt that it was harder and harder each day to get by. You couldn’t bear the looks that lasted from amused to pitiful, you couldn’t make your way with your head held high and most of all you could not forget what had happened, being reminded about everything whenever you saw Roman. You really thought that he would be different, that he was a great and compassionate guy, but you should have been listening to your bad gut feeling all along. And no matter how hard you tried to leave it behind, to get through, you just couldn’t.

It took you some time, you had no idea whether it were days, weeks or even months but eventually you made a decision. A decision that was hard at first but once you started to like the idea, it seemed to be the only option.You had only made it through the last days since harming yourself grew to become you constant companion. Whenever you cut yourself, watching the dark red blood leaving your wounds, you felt more alive than before, you felt as if you were able to numb the emotional pain forever. And yet you knew that this was not the solution you were looking for. You covered up your scars and whenever you took your scissor or your razor, you made sure that not even your best friend would knew about it.

You had prepared everything for that special day. You knew that your roommate would be away for the night so you had your room all to yourself. When you went to your lectures that day it felt as if a huge burden had left you and when you saw Roman, just like you had hoped that you would, it didn’t pain you for the first time since anything had happened. You willingly ran into him and just as he was cursing you out, you slipped the little paper into the pocket of his jeans, not caring whether he would find it this evening, the one after or even several days after as it wouldn’t concern you any longer then.

When you came home that evening, you laid down in your bed, listening to your favorite band singing about all of the pain, hurt and betrayal in this world and for the first time ever, you seemed to understand what this was all about. With a feeling of having found the peace you were looking for for so long, you took the pack of sleeping pills that lied on your night stand, gulping all of them down with the help of the water standing next to you, waiting for them to work their wonder on you as you lied down so eternal sleep could welcome you in his arms.

As you were lying on your bed, Roman threw his backpack in the next best corner of his room, still annoyed that today’s football practice didn’t go according to plan. As he undressed in order to jump into a simple shirt and sweatpants, he remembered the encounter with you. He didn’t know why but he got his hands in his pocket, feeling the little paper in one of them. He didn’t even have to think twice in order to know that it must have been you, that slipped it in while you were crashing into him. Out of reflex he already wanted to toss it into the trash can but something stopped him. He couldn’t even say why but instead of throwing it away, he sat down on his bed, unfolded it and started reading, his heart sinking with every word that unfolded it’s deep meaning with full force.

His hands were slightly shaking as he read the following lines:

_“As I had already told you, I don’t know what I have done to you to deserve all of this, what I have done to you that you hate me so much. You have no idea what I had to go through throughout my whole life. For people like you it is pure fun to bully people like me, but for us it has a deeper meaning. It doesn’t matter how much of a fun you think it is but people like me, we are suffering, we are taking it by heart, we try our best to somehow make it through this life and to somehow fit in, all while knowing that we are alone, that we have no one to trust but ourselves, that we are better off by hurting ourselves than sharing our feelings with other people._

_At the beginning I thought that you were different, I thought that I could trust you, probably because I have longed so much for someone that could understand me, that would be there for me, that would accept me for who I am. I am not really blaming you since I’m the only one to blame, to blame for letting my guard down, to blame for being desperate enough to ignore my bad gut feeling and to open up. All because I thought that you would be different and that you could see more in me than just the freak everyone else saw in me. I thought, no, I hoped that I had found a real friend in you but it was all just a beautiful lie._

_You’re probably asking yourself by now why I’m writing this to you, why you are reading all of this… I just wanted you to know that no matter how hard you had hurt and betrayed me with your actions, you nevertheless helped me. You helped me to make a decision, helped me to find my inner peace, helped me to realize that all the pain and betrayal is not worth getting up every morning and somehow make it through the day with this procedure repeating itself again and again, day by day, week by week, month by month and year by year. And therefore I want to thank you, Roman. You and your actions helped me to make the decision that I won’t find the peace in this world that I’m craving for._

_So while you’re reading those lines the overdose of sleeping pills I had been taking has probably already done its deed. And while I’m leaving this world after having made my peace, it is you that has to bear the consequences now. Because if you just have a little bit of consciousness and I’m not willing to let that hope die, then I want you to know that I can rest peacefully while you have to somehow live with the knowledge that part of my blood is on your hands as well._

_I’m sad that I won’t be there to witness your reaction but at least I hope that you’re not as cold-hearted as you seemed to be and that you will shed a tear or two when realizing that I probably would still be there if you and your friends hadn’t thought that it was so much fun playing with my feelings due to a stupid dare, adding just enough to destroy me completely after I had been pushed down and gotten back to my feet for the majority of my life.“_

Roman was re-reading the lines in his hands for several more times. His hands were shaking uncontrollably while tears were streaming down his face. No matter how much fun it was for him and his friends, he never wanted something like that to happen. He had to get to you, had to prevent you from doing what you had written you would.

As he grabbed his keys and ran out of his room in order to get to yours, he prayed that it was all just a sick joke, that you were doing well and would pay him back with his own weapons. He owed you an apology, he knew that he did, and he would be glad to give you one if you were just safe and sound. His heart ,however, completely sank, when he reached the house you were living in and he saw the blue blinking lights, not only belonging to the police but also to the emergency. 

He gulped hard as he made his way through the people waiting outside and just as he made it to the door, they were pushing out a gurney with you lying on it, obviously weak but nevertheless alive. He stopped in his tracks, being close to breaking down as he wanted to thank every god that could have been possibly listening that whoever had called the emergency got to you in time. He was paralyzed, couldn’t move or think normally as he was so relieved that you were alive. As he saw that your best friend was leaving the house, something in the back of his head urged him to go closer. When your best friend saw him, her emotions ran free as she ran over to him, slapping him hard across the face, screaming at him: "You have almost killed her. You fucking asshole, you have almost killed her. If it wasn’t for you, she would have never tried to take her own life. You should pray to whomever is listening, thanking them that she was found in time and that she will make it. I hope karma gets you good for what you had done to her, you disgusting asshole.” 

Roman wanted to say something, wanted to defend himself, but he knew that she was right. If it wasn’t for him and his friends, if it wasn’t for the way they had been treating you, you wouldn’t have to be rushed to the hospital right now. As your best friend was turning around, getting into the emergency to drive to the hospital with you, he felt completely numb. He didn’t even care whether people were staring at him, were whispering behind their hands as he just had one thought on his mind - he wouldn’t have known what he would have done if you were really gone now. 

Roman headed back to his home, feeling completely empty. He knew that he had fucked up, knew that he had almost destroyed your life. If he was honest to himself he kind of did destroy it with all the games he played. He knew how nasty he had been. And yet he was way too chicken back then to act accordingly. He feared that he could never make it right, that he could never tell you the truth and explain his actions. Just because he was not only a coward but a cocky self-absorbed bastard as well. But he would make it right. Somehow he would fix everything that he had broken with his foolish actions. 

It was two days since you had been rushed to the hospital and you felt even more terrible than before. You wouldn’t have expected that you could be an even bigger failure but not being able to end your life, having to deal with the aftermath hit you incredibly hard. At first you had no memory as to what had happened but when the doctors informed you under what conditions you had been found, you suddenly remembered anything; the pills, the feeling of having made the right decision, the letter you had given to Roman. Roman… the person that was not the only reason to commit suicide but the person, whose actions helped you to make that decision. That decision to take your life. An attempt that had failed. You had no idea what to feel or think. You were not sure whether you were glad that you weren’t successful or sad that you had been saved in time. And you had no idea how you should go on now, especially since the rumors of what had happened probably had spread like a wildfire by now. 

Your best friend visited you, bringing you some of your stuff, but even that sweet gesture, even that short visit was too much for you to handle that day. You had sent her home, thanking her for having visited you and telling her that you would keep her updated as to how you were doing. The truth was, you couldn’t stand the fear and compassion in her eyes, you couldn’t stand the fact that she had to be the one that found you. And you couldn’t stand the thought that it might have been egoistical going that way, knowing full well that she stayed in the same apartment you did, putting the burden on her to deal with possibly finding your corpse. You were so determined, were so sure, but now that terrible feeling of being ashamed hit you as well.   
As the door was slowly opening, you thought that it would be Y/F/N, that came to visit you although you had asked her not to do so. You didn’t even bother to look at the door as you quietly said: "What are you doing here? I have asked you not to come.” You just couldn’t stand to see the fear on her face again. The door was closing and just as you thought that your friend had left again, you heard footsteps coming nearer. Before you could turn your head, you heard a voice you only knew too well and that made you somehow paralyzed. “I know that I’m probably the last person you want to see, but I wanted to check on you, wanted to see how you are doing.”, Roman said quietly and you could tell that he felt terrible, although you didn’t know whether it was because he was here or because of the letter you had written him. You were at a loss for words when you saw him standing there. How dare he would just appear like that after all he had done to you, after having treated you like you were scum of society? After he had basically pushed you off the cliff, taking the final step?

Throughout the last two days you hadn’t done anything else than thinking about what had happened, about how he had played you and tossed you even further into the dark pit on whose edge you had been balancing for quite some time. You actually had thought that you could trust him, that he really felt something for you and most importantly that he was honest with you. You dared to open up to him, let him see a side of you that you always kept hidden in the past, making yourself vulnerable and he had nothing better to do than push a knife in by humiliating you not only in front of his friends but also in front of the whole college. Just thinking back about that almost caused you to tear up and cry your eyes out again. But you didn’t want to give him this satisfaction, didn’t want to become the victim once again, so he could run to his friends and make some more fun of you, possibly hurting you even more although that actually wasn’t possible. You wouldn’t give in, wouldn’t show him how vulnerable you were, wouldn’t give in this time and become a crying mess. 

Instead you ignored him, hoping that he would just get the hint and vanish into thin air as fast as he had come into your hospital room. But Roman didn’t even think about leaving like that. He felt terrible seeing you like this, knowing that he was the reason. And there was nothing he could have done to turn back time and prevent any action that would have lead to that moment. “Come on Y/N, talk to me, say something, just anything. Scream at me, slap me, whatever it takes to show that you are okay.”, he begged and you almost didn’t trust your ears. It took all of your will to somehow keep your composure as you said icy: “Wanted to see how I’m doing? After a suicide attempt? Obviously pretty bad since I’m still here. I guess you can fuck off now and laugh a little more about me in the precious circle of your friends, telling them that I’m even too stupid and weak to attempt suicide successfully.” You couldn’t stand his face, couldn’t stand looking at him, but you forced yourself to do so. You wouldn’t show any weakness, not this time. If you hadn’t stared at him, you wouldn’t even have noticed how he flinched with every word that you were saying. He remained silent for quite some time before he whispered: “I’m so sorry for all of this. This was never my intention.“

You didn’t know what you had expected. At the one hand you wanted him to shut up and to just fuck off, on the other hand you wanted him to apologize for all the pain he had caused you, for everything he and his friends had done to you. "I’m sorry for all of this.” was not enough and yet it was too much. You were torn, your emotions were running wild. You had never felt such a variety of them before. There was sadness, desperation, embarrassment, anger, rage… everything all at once. You tried to stay calm, you really did but with all that had been happening, all you had to go through, you just couldn’t as your emotions finally found their way to the surface. You lifted yourself up in your hospital bed, staring at his figure, your face showing all the desperation and pain that you were feeling. Although you tried to stay strong, you couldn’t and if he would rush right to his friends to make fun of you, so be it. “You’re sorry? It wasn’t your attention?”, you wanted to know in disbelief, your voice shaking. Before he had the chance to answer, you continued: “You know what? Just fuck off.” He shook his head, not willing to move for just a bit as he answered: “No I’m not going anywhere. Not before you hear me out." 

"Hear you out?”, you hissed, adding: “Listen to more lies, you’re going to tell me? You want to know how I am? I’m terrible, that’s how I am. After all of those years that I had been bullied growing up and feeling like I don’t fit in I actually thought that I could trust you. I never wanted to, I was shit scared and somehow you nevertheless convinced me to give you a chance. And I actually thought that you would be different, that you were kinder than other people, that you would give me a chance to get out off my shell. I trusted you, I felt accepted, I felt like I finally belonged somewhere and as if one person, only one, would like me the way I am.” By now tears were streaming down your face, your voice increasing with every single word you were saying. You gulped hard before you continued: “And I even allowed myself to feel something for you. I thought you were different. But it turned out you were pretty much the same asshole as the rest of this world, if not worse. You have no idea how my world shattered when I heard you talk to your friends like that, laughing about me, getting a kick out of treating my like dirt. You have no idea how much it hurt me hearing such words from a person I thought I could trust. You have no idea how many times I had to pick myself up and dust myself off in my time growing up because there were always people like you, that made my existence terrible and painful quite alike. Hell, you don’t even know how much harder it got each time to still find a will to live, to tell myself that it won’t happen again, that my shell just has to become harder although I was dying a little bit more on the inside every time something like that happened. I could have somehow cope with the nasty things you were telling them about how it disgusted you that evening at the football field. I could have somehow managed to pick myself up one last time and go on. But when I came back to the university that day, where everyone was talking behind my back about the rumor, that you had spread about you feeling sorry enough to sleep with me, and you were so cold-hearted, so sadistic when I ran into you that day, it just was enough. I couldn’t do it any longer. So how the fuck do you think I am feeling and I am doing? I had made my peace, I was ready to leave this world, to leave every possible pain behind after you had more or less made that decision a lot easier with your behavior and yet I’m still here. And I have no idea how to continue with my life now, because new rumors will follow, new people will follow, that will pick on me, several new times  will come, where I’m getting tossed on the floor, having to get up again although I’m already knowing that I can’t because I don’t have the strength or the will anymore. You and anyone else like you have destroyed me bit by bit and I really hope that you are happy. And although I would love to see you go through it, I wish that you never come into a situation like that. People like you have no idea how people like me suffer every day.” By now you were screaming at him, you were a crying mess and you were quite aware that you had a complete mental breakdown. And yet it was somehow relieving, being finally able to tell one of the responsible people how you were feeling, how they had damaged you. And if there was just a small bit of compassion in him - although you absolutely doubt it, yet wanted to believe in it - he would at least feel a little bit of the despair you were feeling.

He looked at you as you were sitting on your hospital bed, an absolute crying mess, looking more fragile than you should and he wanted nothing more than to reach out to you, to hold you in his arms but he couldn’t as he knew that he would not be allowed, that you would never let it happen. And who could blame you? Roman was aware what he had done to you, how he had acted towards you and he was absolutely disgusted by himself. He had no idea how he could ever make it right again, especially since he was quite aware how stupid and unbelievable his explanation must sound. „Just fuck off.“, you yelled, your voice heavy with tears. „No, not like this.“, he whispered, not willing to leave you like that, before he added: „Listen Y/N, I know that I have absolutely no right to ask you for forgiveness or to ask you to hear me out. But I just can’t leave like this. Not before… not before I told you the truth. I have been terrible to you, I know that. And no words could make this any better. And I’m truly sorry for everything that has happened. All the rumors, the nasty comments, how I have treated you in the cafeteria and in the hallways. I truly am sorry and I would give anything to turn back time and undo everything I had done. Words can’t express how sorry I am for what this did to you, for what I did to you. When I read your letter, I was devastated. Not because I would have to live with your blood on my hands because I would have deserved it, but because I thought it was too late, because I thought you would be gone.“ He had to stop himself there for a few moments to try and stay calm as he was visibly shaking and tears started to leave his eyes. As he continued his deep voice was quieter than before, feeling almost broken as he added: „I couldn’t have coped with losing you. I know that you probably won’t believe me, but I haven’t been this nasty because I can’t stand you or because I hate you. I was this nasty because I’m a fucking coward. I thought that I had to be cool, had to act tough in the presence of my friends in order to belong to them, in order to be their leader. Being an asshole basically had the effect of being accepted by them, of being seen as their head. The truth is… I had fallen for you, I was drawn to you and that was something I couldn’t admit. And I know how fucking dumb this was. I…“

Before he could continue, you interrupted him, your voice deadly by now as you found your composure again: “Do you really think I’m dumb enough to actually believe one word that’s coming out of your mouth? I may be a lot but certainly not as idiotic as you obviously would want me to be. You are a manipulative, arrogant asshole that thinks he can play people and push their buttons just as he wants and needs to. If you want to continue your damn mind-games, you could at least put more effort in it or do you actually think I’m desperate enough to buy this crap? I may be broken but I’m too dead inside to actually want to fit in any longer. Everyone on this damn college knows that you got handed everything, that everyone basically kissed the ground you’re walking on. Get out off my freaking face and better do it fast. You disgust me like no one has ever disgusted me before and I have dealt with a lot of sadistic people like you throughout my childhood and youth.” By now you were completely numb on the inside, your words leaving your mouth automatically without actually thinking too much about them. In the back of your mind you wanted to cry again. 

Obviously it hadn’t been enough for him to push you over the edge again and again, so that he needed to add salt to the wound now even if you were at your lowest. Roman, however, didn’t turn around, didn’t head for the door. He was determined to let you know about how he was feeling: “I can understand that you don’t want to believe me. I probably wouldn’t believe you either if it was the other way round. But I’m honest with you. If I could turn back time, if I could make my behavior right, I would. And I certainly would have been honest to you, wouldn’t have acted like a complete asshole, just so the group of people I’m with would pat me on my back. The things I had told you that night after football practice. I really meant them. I just… fuck it I’m just an absolute jackass that thought that reputation and high class friends would be more important than listening to my heart.”, he whispered, not really being able to look you in the eye as he was way too ashamed of how he had acted, what he had done to you. 

“As I already said, keep your lies to yourself. I know about you, I know about your background. As if you would have to fight for anything, as if you would have to try hard to fit in. People like you think they own the world, think they are superior to anyone, think they can toss people like me in every puddle of mood they can find. You have no idea how much I hate you, so go and fuck off already.”, you hissed as he replied: “You don’t know me, you don’t know about my past and you don’t know who I am. You don’t know what it’s like walking in my shoes.” You let out an icy laugh as you replied: “I know everything that I need to know. You are a pathetic, manipulative and abusive asshole and although I didn’t want to wish you anything bad, once your time here is done, I hope that you will rot in hell. And now get out off my room before I call anyone to get your ass out off here.”, you spat out as tears were streaming down your face again, although you couldn’t tell whether the reason was that you were angry or absolutely hurt that he would continue his games with you although you were already at your lowest. You had never done anything to him, never gave him a reason to hate you so much, to be so cruel and sadistic to see you suffer like that, and yet, he obviously still found joy in doing so. If you didn’t know better, you would have said that you saw sheer hurt on his face but after what felt like an eternity, he finally headed for the door to leave. As he was already out of the room, he turned around, his voice heavy with emotions as he said: “I know that I deserve all this and more. But maybe someday you can forgive me what I have done, I certainly can’t forgive myself. I’m so sorry for everything I had done to you and for hiding my feelings just because I’m a fucking bastard. If hating me helps you to deal with all of this, if it helps you to somehow heal, keep it alive. I just want to know that you will be alright in the end and I’m really sorry for having messed up that badly." 

As soon as the door closed behind him, you buried your head in your pillow, crying your eyes out. You felt terrible, absolutely terrible. You had no idea what to make out of the last couple of minutes. A part of you wanted to believe him, wanted to believe every single word he had just said, wanted to trust him and hope that he really felt something for you. Because no matter how terrible he had acted towards you, you couldn’t deny that you had fallen for him the moment you saw him, although you didn’t want to, that your heart was aching for him. And yet at the same time you wanted to hate him, you despised him for how he had treated you, how he made you a joke in front of the whole college and how he would have been the last push you needed for your suicide attempt, although he wasn’t even aware of that. You loved and you hated him at the same time. And if you were honest, you had no idea how you should continue at college once you were released, once you would have to go back feeling all eyes on you again, knowing that they would talk about you. You had no idea how long you had been lying there, crying your eyes out but eventually you fell into a dreamless sleep, giving you the opportunity to forget everything within those hours until you would have to wake up again. 

All in all you had to stay for a week in the hospital and when you were released you didn’t have the strength to head to college but rather secluded yourself in the safety of your apartment. Your best friend was there for you whenever you needed her, but you did tend not to talk to her about what had happened, primarily because you wanted to deal with that all by yourself. Since that incident in your hospital room you hadn’t seen Roman again and you were glad that you didn’t because that distance gave you the opportunity to somehow adjust to the situation. On a regular basis you went to a psychologist to talk about everything that had happened, all the insecurities, anxieties and bullying you had to face from an early age on, helping you to deal with it better bit by bit as time went by. You felt how much those appointments lifted your spirits, how suicide became less and less like an acceptable option and how you actually developed a will and strength to live again although it was hard work finding it.

Approximately three weeks later you made the decision that you were finally strong enough to return to college. You knew that it would be pretty much running the gauntlet there, but you were determined to somehow make it, were determined to not let them drag you down again but be able to deal with situations like you had to face all those weeks ago, even if it would kill you on the inside having to stay strong. You were not willing to let others make your life miserable ever again. It took all of your will and self control to finally make the last step of entering the college as soon as you stood in front of the building. The first feeling you experienced was rather nightmarish as you expected everyone to point at you once they saw you and to start talking behind your back. You pressed your beg in front of your chest, making your way through the hallway but whatever you had feared, it didn’t happen. Much to your surprise the majority of the people you met, passed you, some of them nodding a hello, some of them too caught up in their own thoughts to notice you. None of them, however, started pointing and laughing at you, there were no nasty comments as to what had happened. 

You felt absolutely relieved that you weren’t confronted with anything bad the moment you entered and you just hoped that you wouldn’t run into Roman or some of his friends. As you were heading for your lecture hall you passed the same people that you head overheard as they were talking about the rumor Roman had spread a couple of weeks ago. Just as you thought they hadn’t noticed you, one of them saw you, making you stop in your tracks as she said: "You are Y/N, aren’t you?” You felt that terrible feeling of losing control again, panicking how they would pick on you next. You couldn’t even get a word out so you just nodded your head in agreement. You could see how she was taking a deep breath before she continued: “I… I mean, we want to apologize to you. For that rumor we were talking about and passing on, you know? We’re aware that it was absolutely terrible for us to do something like that and we are really sorry for having believed it. We know that we can’t undo what we did, but we just want you to know that we really regret it.” You were so taken by shock that you couldn’t say anything else but “It’s okay”, realizing how dumb that sounded the moment you said it. She was nodding, a little smile on her face, Just as she wanted to turn her attention back to her friends, you wanted to know: “How do you know? I mean that it was all just a nasty rumor?” She gave you another smile as she answered: “Roman… the past three weeks he made sure that everyone got the notice that he had made all of that up, that he played some nasty games with you. We’re really sorry. I guess believing everything the popular people tell you is toxic." 

You didn’t really trust your ears. Why in the hell would he go around, making sure that everyone knew that he had made all of that shit up? "Maybe because he really has a good spot in him”, your inner voice tried to convince you but you just shook your head, silencing that little voice inside of you. He probably just didn’t want to carry the weight of you almost ending your life and tried to clean his vest. At least that’s what you wanted to believe. You didn’t even realize that your feet carried you through the hallway, couldn’t even tell whether you had responded anything after having heard that. Since you didn’t really pay much attention to where your feet were carrying you to, you didn’t realize that you headed right towards Roman and his friends. You only snapped out of your thoughts when you heard a familiar voice of one of his friends say: “Oh look who we have here… We actually had hoped that we got rid off you, yet you are still here. If you need help with ending your life the next time, just let us know as you have proven to be a failure at something as easy as that as well.” You immediately stopped in your tracks, trying not to tear up as those words hurt you more than you wanted to admit. You were lost, had no idea what to do or how to react, so you just prepared for more nasty comments to be shot at you. “Shut the fuck up Chris and leave her alone.”, you suddenly heard Roman’s voice. “Or else what Ro? Don’t tell me that you feel sorry for her. She shouldn’t even be worth your time.”, Chris spat out with Roman shooting back: “Or else your face will make the acquaintance of my fist. Just cut it. We have caused enough damage.” Chris was shooting a deathly glare at Roman, before he shrugged his shoulders, mumbling “Whatever” and gesturing towards their friends to leave without Roman following his sign. His friends didn’t seem to care as they were leaving without him, leaving him behind. “Are you alright?”, he wanted to know from you, concern speaking out of every word. You were absolutely overextended with the whole situation as you had no idea how to react. So you just nodded your head before you started moving again, only to be hold back by Roman, who was reaching out for your arm, gently grabbing it. 

You turned around, wanting to tell him to let go of you, to get lost, but he was faster as he said: “I’m really sorry for what had happened right now. He’s a fucking idiot.” You freed yourself from his touch as you quietly said: “Seems to be the trait all of you have in common.” You could see that your words hurt him as he answered: “I mean it Y/N. I’m really sorry for all of this mess. And I’m trying my best to fix everything that had been broken.” You listened to his words but you just couldn’t forgive him, not after all he had done. Instead you turned around and said as you brought some distance between the both of you: “Telling everyone the truth is the least you can do. Maybe you get a slight impression of how it feels like when anyone is putting you down. Maybe someone will tell you off for having spread all of those lies.” Before he could answer something you vanished around the next corner. 

The following days helped you realize that it would be better at college than it had been before. No-one made fun of you, there was no talk with regard to your suicide attempt and much to your relief, you didn’t run into Roman and his group of friends again, although you had heard several rumors that he had broken up with his girlfriend and that he and his friends would have loud arguments on a regular basis, but you tried to ignore all of them as you knew how much damage rumors could cause. All in all it was easier for you to get up in the morning and head for the college than it had been in the past. From time to time you saw the football players at their usual table and you couldn’t help but notice that Roman seemed to be an outsider more and more instead of their leader. You tried to shrug it off but since you knew how it felt not to belong somewhere, you automatically felt slightly bad for him.

Your last lecture on Friday was in one of the buildings behind the football field and you were quite aware that you had to pass the field on your way home. You just prayed that no-one of the team would be there, making your life miserable once again. When you reached the grandstand you automatically increased your pace as you saw a lonely figure sitting there and the last thing you needed was one of the group getting a hold of you while you were all alone. As you drew nearer you prayed that whoever was sitting there, wouldn’t notice you. You almost stumbled in your tracks as you realized that it was Roman, having his head buried in his hands. The last thing you needed now was crashing into him. 

As you were almost past him, you realized that he was rubbing over his eyes, his shoulders slightly trembling and you didn’t have to be an expert to know that he was shedding some tears. You should just go, should ignore him but no matter how much you wanted to, you couldn’t as you just knew how terrible it was when you were left alone when something was bothering you, when something was crashing down on you; you automatically felt lonely in moments like that. Everything he had done to you was still so fresh but at the same time he really tried to repair the damage he had caused by telling everyone what he had done and how none of those nasty rumors he and his friends had spread were true. You could tell that he was indeed sorry for all the mistakes he had made and all the damage he had caused. So instead of continuing your way to your apartment, you took a deep breath, heading for the grandstand instead, making your way up the stairs there. 

Roman obviously didn’t notice you and as you were standing in front of him, you couldn’t help but feel somehow sorry for him although you didn’t know what was bothering him. It was just in your nature to be absolutely compassionate, maybe because you knew how much it meant if someone cared for you respectively how heartbreaking it was if no-one did. You took a deep breath before you sat down next to him, him being trapped in his thoughts so far that he didn’t notice. You waited a few seconds until you quietly said: „Although you actually don’t deserve it, I’m here if you want to talk about whatever bothers you.“ You could see how he slightly jumped when he realized that you were sitting next to him, turning his head to you, giving you a good look at his puffy eyes. He didn’t say a word but just stared at you instead. You felt the devastation he was radiating and against your will, you asked yourself what could have happened that he was in that state of mind. „Why do you offer to listen to me? I mean after all that I have done to you?“, he wanted to know in disbelief as you shrugged your shoulders, almost whispering: „Because I know what it feels like when you’re down and you need someone by your side but there simply is no one. I have been there more often than I wanted to.“ You saw the guilt on his face as he was aware that you included his actions towards you in that sentence as well. He was struggling with an answer as he knew that all his sorries simply weren’t enough to make up for what he had done to you. „How often?“, he asked instead as he had no idea how to deal with your presence. „More often than I can count. It started from an early age and accompanied me for most of my life. Being down, being kicked again and again while lying on the ground, having no one to lift you up, no one to tell you it’s going to be alright, having no one that cares for you is one of the worst feelings in this world. And no matter what I’m wishing you for all the things you had done to me, it certainly isn’t to feel and experience the same like I had to. So as I said, although you don’t deserve it and although I wished you all the bad after what had happened, I’m not ignoring you if you need someone to talk to. And contrary to other people I won’t run around and fill anyone in.“, you said quietly, watching him blush slightly due to the embarrassment he was feeling as you called him out. 

There was a longer silence between the both of you and you just accepted it. Either he didn’t want to be rushed or he simply didn’t want to talk to you. If the latter was the case you wouldn’t mind either. You couldn’t do more than offer him to listen to him and you thought that this was quite generous after how he had tossed you into an endless hole. You couldn’t even tell how long you were sitting there but it was slowly turning dark and you felt a slight chill due to the temperature dropping. Since Roman hadn’t said a word you thought that he indeed didn’t want to talk to you. If you were honest you didn’t even know what you had expected when you offered him to listen to him. You sighed in defeat before you got up in order to head for the stairs. As soon as you made your first step you heard his voice: „I lost someone special for good and throughout the last days I just fully realized that.“ You turned around, searching for his eyes, crossing your arms in front of your chest. You thought that he was either talking about those rumors that he obviously had separated paths with his girlfriend if the rumors were true or about a friend he might have lost, so you just tried your luck by saying: „If it’s your ex girlfriend, I’m pretty sure that she will be by your side if you ask her, if it’s a friend, I’m sure he or she will forget about it if you talk things over.“ You saw the slight confusion on his face as he shook his head, mumbling: „I don’t want her back as I had broken up with her for a pretty good reason and it’s not a friend either.“

You didn’t want to, but you headed back to him, dropping down on the seat next to him once again as you stared into the stars that could be seen at the night sky by now. „Is that person still around?“, you wanted to know without looking at him. You just heard his quiet „yes“ before you added: „Well at least you can try to fix things then. Whoever it is, some things can be forgiven but never forgotten. And you can’t do nothing more than fail after trying.“ You still didn’t look at him as you were completely lost in the beauty of the night sky. You could feel your thoughts drifting away and it took you quite some time to realize that Roman was calling your name. „Hmm?“, you snapped out of your thoughts as you were turning your attention to him. His tears had dried and his sad expression was replaced by a concerned one. „Are you alright? You seemed as if you weren’t there anymore.“, he said quietly. You couldn’t help but give him a sad smile as you said: „I just thought how limited and short our life is. How we’re just a tiny part, experiencing this world for just a short amount of time. Sometimes when I’m all by myself I’m just sitting there, watching the sun rise or fall, watching the stars in the sky and think about how many people have seen them before me and how many will after me. And it’s a beautiful and sad feeling all at the same, knowing that we only have limited days to experience all of this, that we are nothing but corns of dust in this huge thing called time and space. And then I realize how different lives can be. There are kids growing up in safe homes with parents who love them or kids that have to make it on their own. There are people who fit in and people who don’t, people that are accepted and people that hope to be accepted for all of their life, people who can live their dreams and people that have to chase them for all their lives. There are people, who find love and some who don’t, people who die surrounded by their loved ones and people who die alone surrounded by fear. And all of this makes me realize that no matter how often I think that I’m alone with my problems, fears and anxieties, there are so much people out there, that have to experience the same, that somehow have to make it as well no matter how many obstacles get thrown in their way. And it makes me realize that some can cope with it and some can’t, some commit suicide and succeed and some don’t for whatever reasons. So losing someone special is something a lot of people in this world during past, present and future times have to go through and some of them just resign and accept their fate and some of them will stand up and fight. Only you can make the decision what kind you want to belong to.“ 

He stared at you for what felt like an eternity before he sadly shook his head, whispering: „Even if I decided that I want to belong to the people that get up and fight, it wouldn’t mean a lot. Some things just can’t be fixed once they are broken. I didn’t want to accept it, but I guess I have realized now that once you had gone too far there is no turning back, no making it right, no erasing the past.“ Roman had to get up, had to get away from you. He felt so terrible, felt like he destroyed not only your world but his quite alike with his actions. How could he tell you that he was talking about you? How could he act according to your words although he already knew that you wouldn’t and couldn’t forgive him? He was absolutely devastated, he wanted to destroy things until they were equalling the mess he was feeling on the inside. He was getting up from his seat, mumbling: „Thank you for listening to me. I really appreciate it and I know that it must have been terrible for you offering me your help after everything that had happened, after everything I had done to you.“ 

He passed you, making his way to the stairs, already taking one step down. You were caught by surprise that he would just get up like that, anger starting to boil inside of you. You really took your time to listen to him, to give him advise after he had treated you like crap and he obviously thought that the right way to thank you was just to leave like a freaking coward. Before you could tell him your harsh opinion, he stopped in his tracks. You thought that he had changed his mind, that he would come back to his seat, but he didn’t even look at you, when he said, his deep voice filled with un-cried tears: „I could fight for as long as I want to, I could never make you forget or forgive what I had done to you. I could never make things right, could never make them undone. No matter how much I wanted to turn back time, I can’t do it, can’t go back and tell you that I’m too scared not to be accepted by the wrong people anymore hence why I acted like a fucking asshole. I can’t go back and tell you that I had fallen for you but I’m way too scared to admit it. I can’t go back and make the right decision, can’t go back and be brave enough to not care what anybody thinks but trust my own heart. I can’t go back and ask you to be mine, can’t go back and punch them in the face when they came up with that stupid truth or dare shit. I can’t go back and tell them to shove it where the sun doesn’t shine and that I won’t do that because I don’t want to hurt you. And most of all I can’t go back and tell you that during those moments I was with you I had the feeling that I could be me and not the person everyone else wanted me to be. So no, getting up and fighting won’t change the fact that I have lost you and that it is too late to fix it.“

You were staring at his back, not really knowing what to do or what to say. When he came to the hospital and told you that he felt something for you, you were absolutely convinced that it was just another one of his sick mind games, making fun of you, humiliating you in front of the whole college after he would tell each and everyone about your reaction, but now… He sounded so sincere, so heartbroken. You thought about the fact, that he had made sure that the whole college knew that he made everything up, that he had started rumors on purpose. He had stepped in the way when his friends started to pick on you again and you could witness back then that he had his trouble keeping his control. You wanted to hate him, you wanted to continue to despise him for what he had done to you, but you just couldn’t as you could clearly see how much he regretted his actions, how much he wanted to make it right again. And you were certain that he might be a good actor but no one, really no one, is that good. Usually you could trust your instincts, although you had made the wrong choices once or twice, and your instincts told you that he was honest with you. 

You had no idea why you did what you did but before you could change your mind, before you could stop yourself, you got up as your feet were carrying you over to where he was standing. Before he could continue his way down, you took a deep breath and without thinking twice, you hugged him from behind, crossing your arms above his waist, laying your head against his back. You could tell that he stiffened due to the sudden touch but it didn’t take long before you felt his big hands on top of your arms, his fingers slowly stroking over them as his back started shaking. For a mere second you thought that his words would have been a beautiful dream and that he started laughing while his friends would come out of every corner, dragging you through the next hell, but then you realized that he was crying, his emotions breaking free. You let go of him, watching him for a short time, before you whispered: „Turn around.“ Roman did what you had told him and as he was locking eyes with you, you saw tears streaming down his face. Although you still tried to heal on your own, it broke your heart to see him like that. Although he was the one that broke you, you couldn’t help but feel this huge amount of compassion for him. And although you should hate him, you couldn’t help but love him instead. You gave him a sad smile as you were reaching out for him, whipping away his tears, resting your hand on his cheek. 

Before you could think twice, Roman was reaching out for you, pulling you closer until your body was pressed against his, holding you close. He looked you deeply in the eyes as if he searched for permission there and although you didn’t really realize it, you slightly nodded. The next thing you remembered was that you felt his lips on yours as he was kissing you softly. You were hesitant at first but it didn’t take you long to wrap your hands around his neck as he was crossing his arms around your waist, kissing him back. It felt real the first time his lips kissed yours back then, but now… You didn’t know how to describe it. This time it felt like he knew that it was his only chance, his only chance to make things right. As you broke apart no one of you said a word as he was resting his forehead against yours, holding you close to his body while his fingers trailed gently over your back just like your own trailed over his neck. 

He was afraid of the answer, but he nevertheless needed to know as he almost silently asked: „Do you think that you can forgive me one day?“ You took your time before you replied: „I’m close to doing so, but I probably can never forget it.“ He nodded his head as he whispered: „I don’t want you to. Your forgiveness is all I’m asking for.“ You couldn’t even tell how long you were standing there in the chilling night, but eventually Roman walked you home to your apartment, making sure that you arrived there safe and sound. As soon as you lied in your bed you had no idea what all of this meant, whether it was a beautiful dream or a terrible nightmare, whether it would turn out to be a beautiful lie crashing over you like it had done before or whether it would be the start of something new, something good. There wasn’t more than you could do than just wait and see for yourself.

The following weeks reassured you that it indeed was the start of something good. You hadn’t hoped for it but when you went to college the next day, there were no heads turning around, no people that made fun of you, no rumors that spread like wildfire. Your whole morning was nothing out of the ordinary but that changed when you walked into the cafeteria again. You saw Roman sitting at the table of the other football players and although something seemed to have changed as almost no-one, neither his team colleagues nor one of the cheerleaders seemed to seek a conversation with him, you nevertheless felt that old feeling of panic creeping inside of you as you knew what had happened the last time after you trusted him, after he had kissed you. You wanted to run away, wanted to get out of there as soon as you could before history would repeat itself but you couldn’t. You basically turned into stone, not being able to move. Much to your horror you realized that Roman lifted his head, staring right at you. You braced yourself for whatever was about to come, braced yourself to have made a mistake in trusting him again, braced yourself to hear his harsh words and nasty comments and hear his friends laugh at them, but nothing like that happened. As soon as he saw you his face lit up and without caring about anything or anyone else, he picked up his dish tray and moved over to you. 

As soon as he reached you, he placed a soft kiss on your cheek as he said: „I’m glad to see you Y/N. Would you do me the favor of sitting down with me in order to have lunch?“

You felt everyone staring at you as the whole cafeteria had turned completely silent, staring up at him. Out of the corner of your eye you realized that his friends gave you some rather disgusted looks. You tried to ignore them and tried to focus on Roman instead as you wanted to know: „You want to sit together with me? Here? In front of all those people?“ He looked at you confused as he answered: „Of course, why wouldn’t I? Y/N, I meant everything I said yesterday, although you probably still have a hard time trusting me and I can’t blame you for that. I know that I had made the worst mistakes possible but I learnt my lesson. You mean a lot to me, I was just way too scared to admit that. And I know how much I had hurt you. As I said I’m so sorry about anything I had done to you. If you just want to give me a chance I promise that I will make it right.“ You looked up at him, searched for the lie in his eyes, but you couldn’t find it. You were still uncomfortable but you nevertheless decided that you would give him a chance. „Alright but try to not mess it up again.“, you whispered, giving him a sad smile as he mumbled: „I promise you I won’t.“ With that he leant down and placed a soft kiss on your cheek and you could tell how anyone was holding their breaths, his friends making some nasty comments that you tried to ignore as Roman suggested: „How about we head outside? It’s a rather beautiful day and I’m sure we’re finding a great and quiet place out there.“ You thought about it for a moment but decided that you would rather sit outside with him alone than being surrounded by people that would stare at you as if you were an exotic animal in a zoo. 

You spent your whole lunch break with him, chatting the time away, realizing that he really was a good guy on the inside. The next couple of days and weeks you grew closer day by day, going to the cinema together, heading for some walks, doing the typical couple things. It was no secret anymore that the both of you were dating and although you were scared at first, in the end there was no one making fun of you. Even your best friend managed to forgive Roman what he had done to you and although she was kind of distant when he first appeared in your apartment, this changed pretty soon. But him being true to his feelings, him confessing that he loved you, had its toll on him. His so called friends of the football team turned their back on him, labeling him as weak and ridiculous for wanting to be with you. In a short amount of time he turned from being one of the most celebrated ones in the team to an outsider, that suddenly had to deal with rumors spreading around. Rumors like his wealthy father bought his spot in the team or his ex-girlfriend being with him because he paid her were just a few of them. He acted as if he didn’t care, as if they didn’t hurt him but you were sure that he couldn’t ignore them the way he wanted to, although he didn’t talk to you about that. But you had been in that situation, you knew how much rumors could hurt, especially if they were spread by people you trusted, people you considered your friends. He slowly had drifted in a position, where none of his teammates would include him anymore and people would turn their heads at him for all the wrong reasons. 

It was a beautiful day and you had two free hours before you had to head for your next course. Roman and you had been dating for three months now and since he hadn’t a lesson either, you decided to spend your time at one of the quieter places on campus. You had found a big tree, that would spend you some shadow on that sunny day, and made yourselves comfortable under its branches. You could tell that something was occupying his mind as you were slowly stroking through his hair, Roman resting his head on your lap while you leaned against the log. You studied his face while his eyes were closed for what felt like an eternity. You couldn’t express with words how your life had changed throughout those last weeks and you couldn’t express either how glad you were that you gave him a second chance as he had proven again and again that he was serious, that he loved you and that he wanted to be with you no matter what. And most importantly of all, that he regretted everything he had done, making up for it again and again the best he could. 

You decided that it was worth to try your luck as you whispered: „You know that you can talk to me about whatever bothers you, don’t you?“ He slowly opened his eyes, peeking up at you, giving you a sad smile as he answered: „I know but I don’t want to bother you. You have your own burden to carry. I don’t want to put mine on your shoulders as well.“ You locked eyes with him as you quietly said: „Ro, I would have never thought I would say this one time, but I love you. If you need someone to talk to, I’m here for you. Bottling everything up isn’t the greatest way to deal with things you know? Trust someone, who speaks from experience.“ You gave him a sad smile as he lifted himself up, sitting next to you, moving closer to you, before he gently reached out for your head, pulling you closer until his lips touched yours as he was kissing you gently with you reacting equally to his gentle gesture. You had no idea how much time had passed and you didn’t know either if people were passing you and if so what their reactions were, but quite frankly you didn’t care. As you broke apart he was looking you deep in the eye as he whispered: „I never dared to hear those words from you. You have no idea what they mean to me baby.“ He placed another gentle kiss on your lips before he added: „I love you too.“ He pulled you closer, holding you in his arms with you enjoying every moment of it, thinking that life couldn’t be more beautiful. 

You were close to dozing off as you heard his voice: „You know I would have never expected that rumors could hurt so much. I hate myself for having done all of this to you.“ You snuggled closer to him, whispering: „The past is in the past. I know that you are sorry, don’t keep reminding yourself again and again. Just fill me in on how you are feeling.“ He remained silent for a little bit before he finally said: „You know all of those rumors my teammates spread around me, don’t you?“ He waited until you nodded your head before he continued: „None of them are true. I haven’t paid my ex to date me but she loves to spread that rumor as I broke up with her when I realized how much I felt for you. Those rumors about my father paying that I could be on the team? They are false as well. I’m on that team because I got a scholarship.“ You wanted to tell him that he shouldn’t take it by heart, that he should try to ignore it but what he confessed next almost broke your heart as he whispered: „I never wanted to play football, you know? I mean I know that I’m not that bad of a player but it’s not my passion. I have three older brothers that all live for football. They were the best players when they were at college just like my dad was. It was kind of an expectation that I step into their footsteps. I tried to tell them that I don’t want to, that it’s not the path I want to take, but they didn’t want to hear anything about it. All that counts in my family is being wealthy and successful. All that counts is fulfilling my father’s wish and following the path he sets, becoming what he wants. I hate it, you have no idea how much. I hate the people, I had to befriend, I hate everything I stood for. I hate being part of this team and I hate being too weak to stand up for myself, to tell my father that I am not willing to live his dream but I want to chase my own. Being rich and famous was never something I wanted to be. I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t so bad, that I had so called friends I could pretend to be someone I wasn’t. But I never fitted in, on the inside I never wanted to fit in. I always admired the so called outsiders, that would go their way no matter what obstacle was waiting on their way. From the moment I had seen you, I was drawn to you, but I was way too scared to act on it, having my father’s voice in the back of my head again and again. I’m just glad that I eventually found the courage to silence his voice and confess to you how much you mean to me. What bothers me is that I’m not fully living the life I want, you know? If I did, if I had the courage to do so, I would just screw my old life and start something new. I would study what I want to, I would find new friends and even if I didn’t, being with you, having you by my side would be enough. But I’m too scared. I have been living in his shadow for way too long, had to be like him from an early age. I don’t know how to break free, how to stick up for my own life, no matter how dumb that sounds. I just don’t know how…“

You heard the deep sadness in his voice as your fingertips trailed over his bare arms, traveling down to his hands where you interlaced your fingers with his. You sat like that for a little eternity before you said quietly: „It doesn’t sound dumb. You’re afraid of disappointing your family if you go your own path. I can understand that. But Roman, you have to do what makes you happy, have to do what you want. It is your life and you have to live it the way you want to. If your family cares for you and loves you, they will understand your decision, no matter whether you follow  the path they want for you or you follow your own. Living our life for others is toxic. You can never be truly happy and satisfied while doing so and it will haunt you. All of the missed opportunities will always walk behind you. You would always question how your life would have been if you lived it the way you wanted. If you don’t want to play football, quit it. It’s not worth sacrificing your happiness just to make others happy.“ He held you close to his chest, breathing in your scent as he mumbled: „I know sweetheart. To be honest I wish I had met you sooner. You are an inspiration all around and I have the outmost respect for you, that you went your way and somehow made it no matter how hard life was till now.“ 

His index finger reached out for your chin, carefully grabbing it and turning your head, so you had to peek up at him, before his lips landed on yours once again, his tongue softly trailing over your lips, begging for entrance, deepening the kiss as soon as you granted what he begged for. You got lost in his touch once again, couldn’t describe how happy you were that the tables had turned, that your life had made a turn for the better with of all things the person that made it so incredibly hard not too long ago. It was as if he was a completely new person and he held your heart, every single piece of it. 

You got lost in his kiss, almost forgetting the world around you as you suddenly heard Chris’ spiteful voice as he spat out: „Wow look at you Roman, you are really a sad fuck, aren’t you? How the fuck can you waste your time with this fucking loser? Has that suicidal bitch finally managed to track you down into her miserable life? You are really a pure excuse of a man, you fucking wanker. Do you actually have a single clue how much you are hurting our reputation? I hope you are aware of all of the talks behind your back how low it is for a football player to date a fucking psycho.“ You were absolutely shocked to hear those nasty remarks, your anxiety having the worst of you, causing you to want to run away, to be anywhere else but here before you could become a crying mess. But you couldn’t move as Roman was holding you close, whispering in your ear: „Don’t listen to him, baby. He’s a fucking piece of shit. I love you, don’t you forget that.“ Just as you were relaxing for a bit, Chris continued with his nasty insults: „You really broke up with your girl for that lunatic? Wow she really must fuck you good then as there could be no other reason for you to be with her.“ 

„Okay that’s it.“, Roman hissed as he gave you another kiss, whispering in your ear: „Just stay down baby, do me this favor.“, before he let go of you, jumping to his feet, facing Chris, towering him while he shot deathly glares down at him. „You take that back. All of that and you better do it fast. And then you will apologize to her. Do you understand me, you fucking son of a bitch?“, he spat out, his whole body language not leaving any doubt that he was willing to beat the living shit out of Chris for what he had said about you. „You are really willing to pick up a fight for that bitch? Willing to beat up one of your closest friends?“, Chris wanted to know in disbelief with Roman replying dangerously: „I’m willing to rip your fucking heart out for the woman I love, yes. And you aren’t my friend, you never were. I had no other choice than to get along with you fuckers while I was part of that stupid team, but you know what? I quit. I should have done so a long time ago. I  don’t want to have to do anything with you or those other fuckers, don’t want to surround myself with stuck up arrogant assholes like you and the rest of the team, don’t want those bitches to hang on to my neck like they used to. I’m done with each and every single one of you and I should have been done quite a while ago. And now you better say that you’re sorry and you better mean every single word of it.“ 

Danger was radiating from every part of Roman and you could see that Chris was gulping hard, although he was not willing to let it go that easily. „Wow that psychotic slut really has wrapped you around her finger.“, he said disgusted and that was enough for Roman. With one swift move he placed his fist right in Chris’ face, sending some of his teeth on a journey of their own, before he placed another strike in his stomach. Chris sank to his knees and Roman wanted to continue his assault. You stared at him in shock, knowing that you had to stop him otherwise he would risk being thrown out of college. You got to your feet and just as Roman wanted to swing another punch, you stopped him in his tracks by grabbing his arm. He turned around, a surprised look on his face as you said: „Stop it Ro. He’s not worth it. You will have to bear the consequences and not him. Beating him up is not worth having to leave the college. No matter what the reason is. I appreciate that you stick up for me, I really do. But if you love me, just let it be. Stop it right here. It is not worth it.“ You pleaded him that he would listen to you and although he was still ready to pick up where he had stopped, you noticed that he had calmed down a little bit, as he pulled you in a hug, mumbling: „I’m sorry. Sorry for what he had said and sorry that you had to watch this scene.“ You gently cupped his cheek as you smiled up at him, stroking it and whispering: „It’s okay Ro. Just let it be. He’s not worth it.“ 

You tried to move away, tried to pull your boyfriend with you but he held you back, staring down at Chris, who was spitting out blood, holding his belly. Roman shot him another deathly glare as he hissed: „I’m still waiting for you to apologize to Y/N. And my patience is wearing really thin right now.“ You wanted to tell him again that it was alright as you heard Chris’ voice say: „I’m sorry Y/N. That was uncalled for and it won’t happen again.“ You were sure that he didn’t mean it but you didn’t care as you were far too touched that Roman stuck up for you, defending you against the people he had spent a majority of his time with.  You just nodded your head, motioning to Roman that you wanted to leave. „I know baby, let’s go.“, he said, pulling you closer and guiding you away. As he passed Chris he threatened: „You better make sure not to cross my path again. And you better make sure that I hear no bad talking about Y/N. And you better also make sure that none of the other fuckers dare to talk about her like that or else we can discuss this the same way the both of us have discussed it right now. You understand that, asshole?“ Chris was mumbling something but nevertheless nodded his head. Roman registered that with a satisfied grin before he left, his arm around your shoulder, you being pulled close to his side. „I really love you, you know that?“, you wanted to know as Roman smiled at you, whispering: „Not as much as I love you.“ 

You wouldn’t have expected it, wouldn’t have dared to wish for it, but your life got better. Of course, you were still battling the fears of your past and although you could never forget what Roman did, you were able to forgive him nevertheless. He had proven to you that his heart belonged to you and you yourself had never fallen for someone as hard as you had fallen for him. He helped you to open up, to speak your mind, to let him know about your anxieties and fears and he helped you deal with them. Just like you had helped him to become another, a better person. He had left the football team, had stopped playing it at all like he wanted to. It was not easy for him to tell his father and although he was mad and disappointed at first, he eventually accepted it, as he wanted his son to be happy. Roman realized that he had thought worse of him than he actually was and knowing that his family would stand behind him, helped him to pursue the career that he actually wanted. You were the first person he ever told that he wanted to become a psychologist one day, wanted to understand the psychology of people, wanted to be able to figure out what bothers them and wanted to help them. 

With the new year of college starting the two of you decided to move into an apartment together and you couldn’t have been any more proud of him, that he finally found his way. And for the first time in your life, you were happy. You wouldn’t have expected, that you would find happiness with the man, that almost destroyed your life, and you were quite aware that for some people this might sound absolutely twisted. But no matter what you had to go through in your life, you were always a firm believer that there was something good in anyone and that people often needed a second chance to make things right. And you were happy that you had given said second chance to Roman since you couldn’t imagine your life without him anymore, just like he couldn’t imagine living without you either. After all even the most twisted fairytales had a happy end - and so did yours. 


End file.
